i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
