ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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