Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You ruined the universe
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
