tequila makes me forget i have legs
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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