these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
