you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
