She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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