kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
