I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
