how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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