i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
