Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Randomize
