i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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