I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
