just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
