if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
