btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
