why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
