My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
either way he was missing a nipple.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
