So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
