We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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