Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
