In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
