Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
