I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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