Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
