hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
