We're facebook friends in real life
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
