Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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