you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
