i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
