Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
