i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
