I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
