god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
