took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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