The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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