upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
