i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
