i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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