I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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