theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
