Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
