I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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