I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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