I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
