Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
