The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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