ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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