hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
