When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
