Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
